-= redefine =-

View some photos here.

away i run

away

away i look

away

away i distance myself

away

from you

from myself

away

that's all i know

afraid of what may be

or what not

or perhaps

it is not me

who

is leaving

longer

the distance grows

i'm not moving

then

who is?

dnihebflesruoytfelevahohwuoysitiebyam

run away

This was written at 12:06 am on Thursday, June 29

-= what are you gonna do today? =-

My neighbour keeps this black rabbit in a cage outside her house. The cage is only as big as a few shoe boxes put together. She never lets the rabbit out or let it run about. Everytime I pass it on the way home, it kinda stares at me, as if asking me to set it free.

You know what's sad?

If that rabbit were to have it's freedom, it would be deprived of it's basic necessities such as food, water and protection. Singapore isn't a place where rabbits would want to run around freely. A dog might probably kill it and eat it up.

At the same time, how would the owner feel? She feeds it everyday. Gives it water. Certainly she deserves to keep the rabbit the way she wants it.

I don't know why. But something just feels wrong about all this.

This was written at 4:09 am on Sunday, June 25

-= of course that wasn't really crime =-

Finally! The chance to finally establish myself as an emokid-poser has arrived!

Been dreaming a lot of run down places and running away from people. Reunions and stuff like that. Saw needles again. I'm starting to think it's a bad sign.

Argh.

>_<

This was written at 4:38 am on Saturday, June 24

-= emotion =-

Someone asked me the other day, 'Are you the kind who has lots of friends or only keep to a selected few.'

I opted for the latter.

As I pondered my decision, I realise there has never been one person that I could actually call my best friend. With the exception of my old primary school buddy whom I'm glad still remembers me. Hahah.

I guess this is how life goes. We form certain types of connections with people along the way. Some meant to be close, some meant to be open and some meant to be just there. I suppose this is how we learnt about how cruel, how good, how appreciative or how unpredictable a person can be.

In this close to 19 years of my life, I've not managed to keep a close connection with anyone for at least 3 years. The people I mix around with are always changing. Though a lot leave, those who replace them are usually better.

Moving on and forward. It plays a huge part in one's life. Dwelling on the past or living in self-denial, it just breaks you down. I've had to learn that the hard way.

Oh well.

Moving on.

It's been raining almost every other day and the evening skies been pretty nowadays. World cup's been boring with the exception of Ghan going through. Ghana and Brazil. A tasty encounter.

Sleep is still hard to come by and my back isn't doing me much favours as well.

Hmmm...

I think I'll go stare at the ceiling and wait for the next match then.

Hey oh.

This was written at 12:41 am on Friday, June 23

-= slow cheetah =-

Please don't strip my mind,
Leave something behind,
Please don't strip my mind.

Hmmm... I think I'm gonna try an experiment in this 2 month break. Get up to 70kg and see how fast I can go back to 60kg.

Hah!

This was written at 6:18 pm on Thursday, June 22

-= toxicity =-

Found an unopened Caliban cd at my stairs. It's still a mystery how it got there.

My best friend from primary school just lost his dad a couple days back. He now has to support his mom and 3 other siblings.

I think if I were to sell everything in my room, I'd only get $7000 out of it. How long can $7000 last? Hmm...

I need to start exercising already. I think I'll take this 2 month break and start looking for new places.

It's started raining again.

I need sleep.

This was written at 12:11 pm on Tuesday, June 20

-= the vast all consuming =-

wish i could just sleep
wish i could explain
wish i could change the way of things
wish i would fall away

the world i'm in is empty
outside i think i'll choke
somehow i can't help thinking
there is no place for me

Inhale.

Exhale.

This was written at 1:01 pm on Friday, June 16

-= discrete mathematics =-

It's the 14th of June already. Mid-point of the year perhaps. Considering what has happened so far, I don't think my fortunes has turned ever since the beginning of the year. Perhaps 2006 isn't a good year as I predicted.

Maybe I should get a haircut. Hmmm...

I'm rather perplexed by this sudden weight gain of mine. I can't seem to figure out where most of the weight has gone to. My butt and my belly looks about the same as last time. Perhaps there's something wrong with Naeem's machine.

Swee Lee sale is in 2 weeks time! 50% off! Woohoo! A friend suggested camping outside like the typical kiasu Singaporeans we are but, looking at the situation that unfolded last year, I think that's a pretty good idea. Heh. Too bad keyboards are at least $1000 a piece. Hai.

Oh well.. More Nintendo for me.

This was written at 10:31 am on Wednesday, June 14

-= disordered existence =-

Took an hour long bus ride from Yishun to Harbourfront for fun in the morning. Then Took the train from Harbourfront to Jurong then back to Yishun. Killed about 2 hours worth of time. Somehow I feel a lot more comfortable sitting in the bus than in the train. It's weird cos I'm supposed to feel more claustrophobic in the smaller seating spaces of the bus than in an empty train. Perhaps the law of the trapezoid is true.

I should be getting a new processor by the end of the month. I'd better request for more disk space to store all the movies that I'm gonna download. Napolean Dynamite, Super Mario Brothers and Wuthering Heights is already taking up most of my pathethic disk capacity. I kinda wonder what's taking up alot of this 30+Gb woth of space in my computer. Mp3? I don't know. Ask OCBC.

Microbiology has come a long way, as demonstrated on Mutant Human. Manipulating the embryo to produce deformaties. The conjoined tadpole looked kinda cool actually, though one has got to wonder how much pain it has to through. Conjoined twins. Each with their own sets of vital organs. I wonder. Where is your soul kept? Your brain? Your heart? Why does a person with heart transplant remain the same person? What about brain transplant? Will it really transfer your whole self to the new body? I can't wait for the first experiment of such kind. I'd like to volunteer for it.

For all the control we may seem to have over our lives, there are still lots of things we can't control. Perhaps that is why there is such a thing called fate. Fate can be good. It can also be sad. What then is the meaning of life? A game of chance? Hmmm...

Somehow I feel like a new era is unveiling before our eyes. An era where religion is an option rather than an essential. Where the 'typical man' theory will takeover. Where the numbers 3, 7, 11, 13 and their multiples will be prominent in society.

Oh well. You'll have to be nuts to believe all that. But then again, what can you believe in nowadays?

This was written at 1:33 pm on Monday, June 12

-= darkwing duck =-

It seems that the only salvation I get these days is from my computer. Thank heaven for emulators and roms. Downloaded Talespin, Darkwing Duck, Ducktales, Dick Tracy, Burger Time, Chip n Dale and lots more ar.. Lazy to type. Bah. I think I'll spend this whole sunday trying to complete those games.

Argh. How the hell can one gain 8kgs in one month?

Don't know?

Ask me. Hahah.

This was written at 3:09 pm on Sunday, June 11

-= laws of physics =-

'I said close! Close you dimwit!'

Was called at 3pm to play for a gig at 6pm. :-o

Planet Paradgim wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. The sound system was good. And that's probably the only thing that was good just now. Caught two other bands playing. Somehow it gave me the idea how pop music has evolved over the years.

Dhoby Ghaut MRT station is no fun anymore with the addition of the Xchange thing. It's so busy now that sitting down there to stone for hours and just watch people pass isn't much the peaceful pleasure that it once was.

Been getting lots of free stuff lately. Free guitar, free keyboard, free time, freezing cold bandung. Hmmm... I think Talespin is the best airplane game ever.

Oh well. Time for more Casatschok. Weee!

This was written at 8:50 pm on Saturday, June 10

-= blackhearted =-

you're seeking perfection,
but your disillusions are
leading to destruction
you're bleeding for salvation,
but you can't see,
that you are the damnation,
itself.

your hatred's growing on
it's growing strong
and the devil's born
releasing poison to a mind
which is already torn
last days of innocence
now waste your self
have no regrets
tomorrow it's too late
you'll lose your soul
you'll burn in hell

how many years will you bleed
so many devils to feed
how long time to suffer
is eternity

disease is moving on
it's spreading on
it's getting strong
black harmony tonight
too late to leave
too late to hide
cold wind which blows inside
can tell the truth you lost,
you died
the final ride is here
you'll see the truth
shall have no fear.

This was written at 11:51 pm on Thursday, June 8

-= finger paintings of the insane =-

What then is the definition of life?

An endless struggle to seek happiness?

Hmmm...

Why is it that we are always battling against our own inner problems? Why can't one be happy the way one is?

Maybe if you can't get something, it's probably that you're not meant to have it in the first place. Or should it be, what's meant to be yours, will be yours one day?

I guess we should be happy with the way things are cos that's how decided it to be. Everything is up to one to decide his or her own definition of euphoria.

So yeah. C'mon people, stop feeling sorry for yourselves and do something worthwhile instead.

This was written at 7:11 pm on Wednesday, June 7

-= end of the road =-

Goodbye.

This was written at 11:57 pm on Sunday, June 4

-= last rays of the setting sun =-

Sometimes I really wonder why I even bother. Why I even try.

This was written at 10:09 pm on Saturday, June 3